What does it mean to “Boss Up”? I’ll tell you. It means taking control, finding determination, and stepping up your game to create the life you truly love.
For me, this has taken about 35 years (give or take).
For you, maybe with this guide, you can get there a little faster.
Here is the list of things I stopped doing when I Bossed Up my life:
1) I stopped looking the other way, and began looking inside myself
Years of reading self help and self improvement books ironically always left me feeling worse about myself instead of better. I reached a point where I began to feel like a failure because everything I read said that I shouldn’t NEED other people.
They would cite information about looking inside of yourself, or living in the moment, but no one could ever actually tell me HOW they were having success doing this.
I pride myself on being a pretty independent person. I’m good in a crowd, I’m good all alone. I can roll solo, or am happy as a couple.
As people go, I’m pretty low maintenance.
Yet, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the company of the important people in my life. If going into months of quarantine during the Covid-19 pandemic taught us anything, it’s that human nature is not really designed for reclusive living. We are social beings who generally mate for life, and so it is not really reasonable to expect that a person would or should live their life without any human relationships (although I’m sure there are some who successfully have).
It wasn’t until I found myself in a unique set of circumstances which forced me to really PUSH myself emotionally that I finally realized what all these books had been trying to tell me.
They weren’t telling me NOT to want people. They weren’t saying I should be ashamed for feeling like I wanted to be in a relationship, wanted to have friends, and wanted to spend time with other people.
They were saying I shouldn’t NEED other people to feel emotionally satisfied.
In other words, I took control of meeting my own emotional needs.
There is so much liberation in this, because no matter what happens, who fails you, or what doesn’t go right that day, you are in the driver’s seat. (Recall: The point of this article is to Boss Up In Your Own Life)
This is not to say you won’t still have bad days. Won’t be sad, won’t want to talk on the phone with someone to feel better (this is all totally OK!), the difference is that you don’t NEED it to feel ok. You may WANT it, but when push comes to shove, if you’re left empty handed, you’ve still got your own back.
Learn how to be your own best friend, and take care of your own emotional needs. Push yourself to find a way to feel ok even when you are all alone. You are the single most important person in your life. Learn to know yourself and your needs just as you would anyone else you love, and then take care of yourself.
When you learn to be emotionally independent, all of your other relationships will become so much richer, and saying goodbye to the ones that aren’t serving you will be that much easier. Bossing up takes hard work, but once you invest in yourself, you have that return for life.
2) I Stopped Blaming Other People or Circumstances For My Unhappiness
I can explain this decision in just a few, straightforward bullet points:
- I stopped complaining. Ever. Complaining is time wasted that could be spent looking for answers to your problem, or better yet time you could have spent figuring out how to be grateful for what you have. We all hear the “attitude of gratitude” mantra, but there is value in it. If you change your habit of complaining to thinking in terms of what you DO have, what IS going your way, you will truly begin to be the boss of your own life. Successful people do not lie around complaining about what isn’t going their way, they get off their rears and take action. Assess what you have, be grateful for it, and plan for what’s next. It really is that simple.
- I refused to play the victim. If you haven’t already discovered Jocko Willink’s viral Ted Talks and Podcasts, he is the best place to start. As a retired Navy Seal, he discusses what he has coined “Extreme Ownership”. In other words: take ownership of your life. It is your life, your decisions, and you are in the driver’s seat. To blame anyone else for your failures is just wasting time. If you are really serious about bossing up, take some time to reflect on this. What parts of your life and happiness are you handing over to other people? Fix this, and you have the power to fix any problem, because now you are in control.
- Stop expecting other people to fulfill you. This is a circle back, of sorts, to item 1 on our list, but with a different focus: Stop playing the tape inside your head that’s upset about what others aren’t doing for you, and instead start asking yourself what can you be doing for others? People will be there for you, and sometimes they won’t. You can’t control that. What you CAN control, is how you show up for others. Move aside the tantruming person inside of you who’s brooding over all the things you wish other people would say or do for you. Step into that space you made, and give back. You’ll not only find the compassion you need to forgive those who didn’t show up for you, you’ll feel the cleansing fulfillment of helping someone else.
- No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. If you’re feeling angry, upset, or dissatisfied with someone or about something, it can be very victimizing (it happens to us all). Facing those emotions and reframing them is not easy, but if you push yourself you DO have the control. Learn coping mechanisms that work for you so that you have them ready when things go south (because, let’s face it, they will). Try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and finding compassion for them (yes, even our enemies), blow off some steam in a good workout, or call a friend to vent. Whatever works for you, do it. Hanging on to these emotions will only hold you back, and real bosses don’t waste a minute.
3) I Concluded I Only Had Enough Strength To Be Truly Disciplined About One Thing, So I Made It Count
Some people find discipline SO easy. Comforting, in fact.
I am not one of these people. I am a free spirit with an open mind, and rarely finish my day with the tasks I intended when I woke up.
I’m happy with who I am, and have found ways to embrace my personality and funnel it toward success.
However, at the end of the day, there should always be balance, and for me that meant incorporating at least SOME discipline into the picture.
When you’ve only got room for one, you have to make it count, so I choose Goal Setting.
Goal Setting deserves its own blog post entirely (and book, and e-course, and entire religion, really), but for now, I have gotten by with 4 straightforward steps:
- Identify what it is that you want, and get really, really, REALLY clear on it.
- Identify WHY you want it, and write that down too.
- Evaluate your values and emotions. Emotions are fleeting. They come and go based on exterior factors. Our Values are what anchor us. For example, I want (emotion) a Starbucks today, but I value saving my money more, so I will forgo it. Make a list of your values, and really reflect on them. How can you use the anchors in your life to help meet your goals?
- Read those babies Every. Single. Day.
Yes. Really.
Every. Single. Day. (This is where the discipline comes in).
Read them, and then brainstorm 3 steps you will do that day to move toward that goal.
My bossing up strategy was to paste them to my mirror so that I see them every morning while I get ready. Yours may be different, but whatever you do, if you want to make a real change in your life, this step is not negotiable.
4) I Decided On Acceptance (Anxiety Is For The Birds)
Acceptance is another subject that has taken me lots of practice to master. Years of grumpily stomping around, frustrated that nothing in my life looked like it should, finally led me to one, big breakthrough: I could beat myself up for not having things the way I wanted, or I could learn to be ok with how they were.
When we concentrate on all of the things we don’t have, or can’t do, we victimize ourselves. And this is a waste, because we are all beautiful, capable people (in our own unique ways), and ignoring that in favor of thinking of all of our failures is lost time.
Accepting the things that are happening to us is not easy, though. I speak from experience. In one year I lost my house, my job, and my Mom to breast cancer.
It was a hard. freaking. year.
Really hard.
And if I hadn’t had this foundation in place, I’m honestly not sure I would have survived it.
The key to acceptance, is to find the value in what is challenging you.
When things aren’t going our way, we ask “Why?”. Why is this happening to me? Why did this have to be this way? Why is this part of my life destined to suck?
Friends, I’m here to tell you: You may never know why. In fact, I can almost guarantee it.
But…if the suck is going to happen to you (and it inevitably will), you have to learn to roll with it.
The absolutely most impressive example I can give of this shines from my amazing Mother. The day we got her shattering diagnosis of Stage 4 Breast Cancer is a day I will never forget. Pushing aside what I was feeling, I was also terrified for her. How do you face this? What do you think? What do you feel?
A few weeks later, when the chaos and doctor’s appointments, and all the other dust that needs to settle after a bomb like that came to rest, she looked at me and said “I’m ok with it, Lisa. I’m not happy about it, but I’ve accepted it. This diagnosis has put so many things into perspective for me. I see the world differently, and am having conversations and experiences I never could have had without it. I don’t love it, but I see the value in it.”
Life…has strife. It is inevitable, and it is almost always harder than you ever imagined.
But.
When I start to feel discouraged. Anxious. Depressed. Frustrated. I remind myself: If my Mom can find the value in dying of cancer, I can find the value in the experiences that are challenging me.
Boss up your attitude about what you’re going through. There is always something of value you can find, no excuses. You can do it.
5) I Let Go Of The Need To Be Right, And Instead Figured Out How To Find Compassion
I was lucky enough to learn this one at an early age. Thanks to Jerry and Esther Hicks, I discovered early on the (dis)value of Defending Your Point.
The need to be right is a need based in ego. I’m not saying don’t stand up for yourself (or speak up!), of course, but there is definitely a time and place for that.
Oftentimes, the desire to be right in a conversation can lead to GREAT unhappiness. As you and the other person butt heads again and again and again, the frustration mounts, and you become cross eyed with the flaming desire to JUST MAKE YOUR POINT.
Let it go.
You’re not going to change their mind, and all you’re doing in the process is upsetting yourself (and them), and floating in your ego.
When you feel yourself getting triggered, back off, and begin this practice: Find compassion for that person.
This is another facet of acceptance. Change your focus on what it is that upsets you about that person, and try to think of what humanizes them: Maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe they haven’t had access to the same advantages you have had in life. Whatever it is, know that we are all doing the very best we can at the time, with what we know and have to work with. This includes you. Give them a break. Give yourself a break. Move on.
6) Refuse To Give Up
“Winners never quit, and quitters never win.” -Vince Lombardi Jr.
You can’t fail if you don’t give up. It’s that simple.
If you really want something, nothing is worth compromising for. The time will pass anyway, the difference will be whether you took steps toward your goals while the time passed.
This does not mean you can’t change your strategy or reassess your goals. Sometimes we push and push and push against something that honestly just isn’t meant to be. Finding that distinction is challenging, and I don’t profess to know how to tell you when you’ve reached that point. You are the only one who can make that call.
But, I can tell you, if you don’t show up, it won’t happen. Commit to your dreams, commit to yourself. No person who has bossed up in their life got there without this component. I promise you.
7) Stop Listening To Other People
Final bossing up lesson: The only person who knows you best, is YOU.
This is not negotiable.
The people in your life (usually the people closest to you) care about you. A LOT. They love you. They worry about you. And (for the most part) they want to see you happy and succeed.
This does not mean they know best for you.
YOU know best for you. YOU are boss of your own life, and YOU need to learn to feel at peace and in control of your decisions and emotions.
This doesn’t mean it isn’t going to hurt. It always hurts. Looks will be cast, comments will be made, and there will be times you think you should give up.
Never give up (see No. 6), and find compassion for these people who are genuinely trying their best (see No. 5).
But most of all, know that self confidence isn’t finding the strength to face the possibility of failure. True self confidence is knowing that even if you do fail, you will still be ok.
Bossing up your life takes courage, strength, discipline, and self confidence.
You’ve got it all, already.
Find it. Use it. And make the changes that really matter.
Peace, Love, Vitamins and Vodka,
XoXo,
